What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
DAM!
buddy of mine was taking up golf. ( i abhore it) and was playing poorly. asked the caddy what he thought was wrong. the caddy replied “there’s some dog shit on the end of the club” my friend looked down at the club head and the caddy said “no, i meant the other end”
Did everyone hear? PERRY HAS ENTERED THE RACE!!!
They don’t do much you know.
Husband is drinking his homebrew with his wife and says, I love you and I don’t know how I’d get through my day without you. Wife says “is that you talking, or the homebrew” husband says “it’s me talking…to the homebrew”.
so i saw this guy throwing a brick in to the air. it would come back down then he would throw it up again. i asked him what he was doing. he replied that he was hoping to get it to go high enough it would not come back down. so i watched him a bit. after about 5 minutes the brick never came back down
That platypus cracks me up.
okay maybe you’ll like this one.
i was flying on one of those old prop jet airplanes once. small flight, thought i could get away with a cigar. well this old hag with a small dog said my smoke was bothering her dog. she complained and the attendant threw my smoke out on to the wing. so being the angry man i am i threw her dog out on the wing. few minutes later i looked out and saw her dog sitting on the wing. you know what was in his mouth? no not the cigar, he had the brick.
Is that from Groucho Marx? Sure sounds like him!
I know I heard it a long time ago, but I can’t place it either.
probably, does sound like that type of humor, but i couldn’t tell you where it came from. been in the back of my feeble brain for at least 6-8 years
Hmmm. I figured the guy was throwing it up to another guy on a roof, building a chimney or something. Oh well.
I’ll spare you my jokes, I am having trouble thinking of any that don’t violate forum rules. ;D
Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One muffin looks over at the other and asks “Is it getting hot in here?” The other muffin responds “Holy s@#!, a talking muffin!”
I LOLed. LOVE it!
A young boy was out by the docks when he spotted a haggard old fisherman. The fisherman was hobbling along on his wooden leg, his left eye working extra hard to see because he had a patch over his missing right eye. The boy noticed that he also had a metal hook for a hand.
The boy asks: “Hey mister, what happened to your leg?”
The fisherman replied: “Well laddy, one stormy summer day out on the 10 foot swells we were reeling in and emptying nets of cod when out popped a 12 foot shark. The shark lunged for me and before I could escape he bit off me leg.”
The Boy: “How did you get your hook hand?”
The Fisherman: Years ago out in the gulf we were trying to drop anchor, I was trying to break the chain free, my hand got stuck. When the anchor broke free and dropped, it took my hand with it.
The Boy: “How did you loose your eye?”
The Fisherman: “I was up in the crows nest one day trying to spot schools of fish when all of the sudden a seagull pooped in me eye.”
The Boy: “Poop cant make you loose your eye!”
The fisherman: “True, but it was the first day with my new hook hand”
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don’t, you get down off of a duck.
Two priests would go fishing every Monday to unwind from the weekend. One day their bishop asked if he could tag along for the day. The priests decided it would be okay. They met at the lake on Monday morning, loaded the boat and headed out to their favorite spot. As the day went on each priest caught a keeper or two but the bishop wasn’t having any luck. One of the priests announced he needed to go the bathroom, stood up, stepped out of the boat and walked above the water to the shore. The bishop was shocked and then amazed by the event.
When the first priest returned to the boat, the other priest decided it was a good idea and he too stood, stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to the shore. The bishop was at a loss for words. After a time the second priest returned and the bishop, not wanting to shown up by his subordinates, announced he also needed the facilities. He stood, stepped out of the boat and immediately fell in lake and had to swim to the shoreline.
The priests looked at each other and said “I guess we should have told him about the rocks.”
8^)
What’s the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw it to you!
Two cannibals were sitting in a bar having a beer. One cannibal says,
"So what’s new with you?’
The other cannibal says, “We had a big feast last night. We caught a couple of missionaries.”
“Hey, that’s sounds pretty good. How were they?”
“Not as good as we thought they would be, a bit tough and chewy.”
“How did you cook them?”
“We boiled em up into stew.”
“Well that’s the problem, you shouldn’t have done that. They were friars.”
I generally consider myself a comodian. All my jokes are crappy, and I get flushed with pride when I tell them. I’m just a punny guy.
