Endlessly Amusing

[rabid_dingo]

This man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the “F-word” over the weekend.

The priest says, “Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.”

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the “F-word”. The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, “And you got upset over that and swore?”

The man replied, “No, that wasn’t why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees.”

The priest said, “And that’s when you swore.”

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, “No, it wasn’t. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree.”

The priest asked, “Is that when you said the ‘F-word’?”

The man replied, “No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away.”

The priest let out a breath and queried, “Is that when you swore?”

The man replied, “No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.”

The priest screamed, “Don’t tell me you missed the F…ing putt!!!”

[slowbrew]

What do you call a broken arm on an Italian?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A speech impediment.

I was told this by an Italian guy last evening.

Paul

[ryang]

^^ Good one.

Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on ahead”.

[morticaixavier]

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

interupting cow

Inter…

MOOOO

[tubercle]

What’s an Irish 7 course meal?

A 'tater and a sixpack.

[morticaixavier]

A penguin bumps into another penguin and says, “Oh, for a minute I thought you were wearing a tuxedo.” “How do you know I’m not?” asks the other penguin.

[woadwarrior]

@tubercle

What’s an Irish 7 course meal?

A 'tater and a sixpack.

And for dessert, a wee dram o whiskey. 

[denny]

@morticaixavier

A penguin bumps into another penguin and says, “Oh, for a minute I thought you were wearing a tuxedo.” “How do you know I’m not?” asks the other penguin.

Garrison Keillor’s favorite joke!

[morticaixavier]

@denny

@morticaixavier

A penguin bumps into another penguin and says, “Oh, for a minute I thought you were wearing a tuxedo.” “How do you know I’m not?” asks the other penguin.

Garrison Keillor’s favorite joke!

yup. also my wife’s

[punatic]

The two muffins sitting in an oven joke is my favorite so far.

[weithman5]

@punatic

The two muffins sitting in an oven joke is my favorite so far.

agreed.

[morticaixavier]

Muffin one was excellent indeed.

a few more:

“I was walking down the street the other day when the prescription on my glasses ran out”

“I am going to get a tattoo over my whole body of myself… only taller”

and finally;

“I have an huge shell collection. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you have seen it?”

[jeffy]

@morticaixavier

Muffin one was excellent indeed.

a few more:

“I was walking down the street the other day when the prescription on my glasses ran out”

“I am going to get a tattoo over my whole body of myself… only taller”

and finally;

“I have an huge shell collection. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you have seen it?”

Those sound like Steven Wright.
He was going to make wine, only pre-age it by using raisins.
He lived on a one way dead end street, but doesn’t know how he got there.
He had to put tape on all the mirrors in his house so he wouldn’t accidentally crash through into another dimension.

[punatic]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cussing.” The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say hell and you say ass.”

“OK!” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. “Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “But you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

[slowbrew]

One of my oldest daughter’s favorite jokes.

What do you call a soprano who can’t read music?

An alto.

---

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  They just declare darkness a standard.

Paul

[glastctbrew]

@punatic

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “But you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

I literally lol’d and my coworker in the next office asked what’s so funny?  This one surpassed the muffin one in my book.

[akr71]

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

The sailor/seagull was my fav so far

[morticaixavier]

@jeffy

@morticaixavier

Muffin one was excellent indeed.

a few more:

“I was walking down the street the other day when the prescription on my glasses ran out”

“I am going to get a tattoo over my whole body of myself… only taller”

and finally;

“I have an huge shell collection. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you have seen it?”

Those sound like Steven Wright.
He was going to make wine, only pre-age it by using raisins.
He lived on a one way dead end street, but doesn’t know how he got there.
He had to put tape on all the mirrors in his house so he wouldn’t accidentally crash through into another dimension.

Yup. I think the longest bit I ever heard him do was;

The other day I was going home and before I realized what I was doing I stuck my car key in the door lock. So I started  it up and started driving down the street. A little while later a cop pulled me over and said “where do you live”. I looked at him and said “right here”.

[weazletoe]

If Lama spelled with one “L” is a great spiritual leader, and Llama spelled with two “L’s” is a furry pack mammal, what is a three ell lama?

A really big a$$ fire!

[slowbrew]

With more input from my kids…

Before you go into the bathroom you’re an American.
When you come back out of the bathroom you’re an American.

What are you while you’re in the bathroom?

You’re a peeing.

Paul